just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
