I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
