also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
