Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
