did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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