I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
