i was born a porn star she said
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
