My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
