Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
