When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Randomize
