Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
