Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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