He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
