i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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