I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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