btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
