Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
