I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I can't put those talents on a resume
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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