Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
