I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
