Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
