getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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