I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
