this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
