I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
