you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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