does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
