i can't believe i had my finger in that
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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