seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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