I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
