dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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