dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
