3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
