I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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