I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
