you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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