I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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