gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
