please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
