Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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