you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
