I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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