when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
