All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And then he peed in my hair
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