First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
