put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
