i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
