You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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