My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
