I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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