So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
