Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
