can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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