I don't usually arrange sex via text message
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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