great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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