i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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