Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
