drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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