I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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